The truth about pets, babies, and YOU.

Are you one of those people who adore your animals and let your child adore them too?

Even if you're not, YOU can benefit from this infoblogercial (so I made up a word, not the point here) about pets and babysitting.

Are you a babywearing, baby attachment kind of parent?  Dogs are great for you.  They respond to the child's every noise and lick them clean of their own vomit.  It's really kind of a win/win situation.  Not to mention, your baby probably likes the dog better than you already.

Case in point. Bonus: This dog can put a baby to sleep.

Are you a cry-it-out sort of parent?  Cats are what you want.  They are the master of disdain and can teach your child to potty in the litter box.  You heard me.  No more diapers.  Train them early.  Plus a cat can listen to a child screaming all night without "giving in."  If you're intending on going overnight for a little fun time with your husband, hire a cat.  You'll have a new baby by morning.

Bonus:  Your kid will learn to read early.  Cats have a thing about grammar and education.

Not to mention, pets are far cheaper than nannies or babysitters.  Feed them a treat or two and they'll be yours to love forever.  At least around dinner time.  Or breakfast.  Or when you're sitting in the bathroom trying to get a load out.  And when you really want to hoard those brownies, you can just brightly say, "Oh, Mr. Nibbles can take care of that!" as you sneak away with warm, gooey, delicious chocolate wonderfulness.  How awesome is that?  Sitters on demand!

Just remember to keep the toilet lid closed when you're done in the bathroom... You're doing cats all over the world a favor.

Ten easy steps to a perfect baby.

Everyone asks me, "How do you have such an amazing baby?"  I know.  It's hard to believe that a first-time mom has such a perfect child.  He's beautiful, wonderful, never cries, has a schedule down to nanoseconds, favors The Big Bang Theory over any other TV show, reads War and Peace, and even gives his father reproachful looks whenever he does something that makes Mama sad.

This is how you do it, in 10 easy steps:

Step 1:  Ignore all advice you're ever given.  Everybody's stupid anyway.

Step 2:  Do everything your way.  You're always right.

Step 3:  Every time your baby cries, drink a little alcohol.  You'll be amazed at how much friendlier your baby seems by the end of the night.

Step 4:  Replenish stash of liquor daily.

Okay, really, there were only 4 steps.  But see?  That just proves how easy it is, and obviously they work.  And if you just set him down as often as possible with a whole stack of books, he'll teach himself to read, too.  You'll have a budding, perfect little genius on your hands in no time, and you'll be a happier mother for it, too.

Then again, I might have mixed up these steps with the "how to get your child taken away by child services," but... hey, those are just minor little details anyway.