Everyone asks me, "How do you have such an amazing baby?" I know. It's hard to believe that a first-time mom has such a perfect child. He's beautiful, wonderful, never cries, has a schedule down to nanoseconds, favors The Big Bang Theory over any other TV show, reads War and Peace, and even gives his father reproachful looks whenever he does something that makes Mama sad.
This is how you do it, in 10 easy steps:
Step 1: Ignore all advice you're ever given. Everybody's stupid anyway.
Step 2: Do everything your way. You're always right.
Step 3: Every time your baby cries, drink a little alcohol. You'll be amazed at how much friendlier your baby seems by the end of the night.
Step 4: Replenish stash of liquor daily.
Okay, really, there were only 4 steps. But see? That just proves how easy it is, and obviously they work. And if you just set him down as often as possible with a whole stack of books, he'll teach himself to read, too. You'll have a budding, perfect little genius on your hands in no time, and you'll be a happier mother for it, too.
Then again, I might have mixed up these steps with the "how to get your child taken away by child services," but... hey, those are just minor little details anyway.