Sunday, October 9, 2011

Ultimate Guide to Motherhood

I have decided to share my well-learned secrets of motherhood with all of you because I'm too lazy to write a real post.

I have learned so much in my almost 22 weeks of pregnancy. Thank you to the general public for clearing up all of my concerns, and sometimes even informing me of things when I didn't even know they could be issues!

  • Breastfeeding is the best way to go.
  • So is formula.
  • Cloth diapers are gross.
  • Disposable diapers are gross too.
  • You can be a responsible mother by taking parenting advice only from your family.
  • You can be a responsible mother by taking parenting advice solely from the internet.
  • You can be a responsible mother by living by a "How-To" book, and it will cover everything you will ever encounter.
  • There's no point in being squeamish about anything ever again because apparently baby poo is the most ick thing in the world.
  • Baby poo doesn't bother you when it's your own child.
  • Dogs and cats are terrible to have around babies.
  • Dogs and cats are great around babies because it teaches them consequences.
  • Dogs and cats are great around babies because they babysit for free.
  • Your diaper bag will never be as cool as my diaper bag.
  • Diaper bags aren't cool. Unless they cost $300.
  • Strollers aren't just strollers, they're travel systems.
  • Don't put that big old stroller/travel system in the car, just buy a lightweight one for the quick jaunt to the grocery store.
  • If you can't calm your crying baby, you're an asshole.
  • If your baby keeps crying, the baby's an asshole.
  • If you take care of your appearance, you aren't a good mother.
  • If you don't take care of your appearance, you're a loser and can't take care of your child.
  • If your husband takes care of his appearance, he's successful.
  • If your husband doesn't take care of his appearance, he's still more successful than you are because men don't do shit like that.
  • Your body pillow is your best friend.
  • Your body pillow is completely obsolete and should be replaced by a real pregnancy pillow.
  • Your body pillow is your new husband.
  • Your body pillow is getting flat and needs to be replaced.
  • Your body pillow is going to be a point of contention for the next 9 months.
  • Back when your neighbor's sister's mother-in-law was pregnant, she didn't use body pillows.
  • You cry a lot because of hormones.
  • You're not supposed to cry a lot because it's not good for the baby.
  • If you aren't crying there's something desperately wrong because there's no such thing as a happy pregnant person.
  • Men suck and their dicks should be cut off.
  • Unless you have a higher sex drive. Then men suck and should just shut up and let their dicks do the talking.
  • You shouldn't plan your nursery now because what if you get free stuff at the baby shower a month before you're due?
  • If you don't start your nursery now, you're a bad mother who isn't ready for motherhood.

And that's only a sample of the pearls of wisdom found in your local grocery store/church/workplace/doctor's lobby! I don't know how I managed to get through life this long without knowing all of this. Thank God I've been enlightened.


  1. I loved this post on babycenter and on here too. I shared it and a link to your blog on my blog last week. Love your humor!

  2. HAHA! "Dogs and cats are great around babies because they babysit for free." Good to know! Fantastic list.