Irrelevant, irreverent, and possibly insane. Thoughts of the day.

I wrote this over at BabyCenter and decided to archive it here, simply because it fits so well.  And I couldn't think of anything to write today.  And I'm swollen, and cranky, and my left foot is twice as big as my right.  Aaaahhhhhh!

• If Amy of Pregnant Chicken and I teamed up, we'd be unstoppable.  I'd market her to the masses -- wrapped up in bacon if necessary (it was the only way to get my animals semi-interested in her blog; don't judge me) -- and sit back and let the money roll in.  I'd be rich and amazing and one step closer to making my baby rule the world.  Or at least Manhattan.  (For those who disapprove; I at least vaguely informed her of my plans. Consent, however, is unnecessary.  Especially informed consent.)
• I don't like to share.  I mean, I do -- sometimes.  I don't mind sharing with Boy, for example.  Which is how I know I love him.  I don't mind giving him a bite of my food or letting him eat the last strawberry shortcake.  But in general, I don't like to share.  Especially my food.  Don't touch my food.  This mindset is probably why I'm fat.  Unfortunately, there's a thing in my tummy that may or may not be my baby (still holding out for an alien, or at least a cute blue devastatingly intelligent evil villain such as MegaMind), and it's eating my food.  At first I thought, "Sweet! I can eat as much as I want [not really]!"  But then I realized that it wasn't really my food.  Baby/Alien/MegaMind's Secret Child is stealing it.  From my belly.  Of all the sneaky, evil things to do!  My baby's a ninja.  Damn it.  At least his/her/its daddy will be happy.
• I have this inability to concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes at a time.  Except for the internet.  The internet is wonderfully bad for me and it is my happy drug.  Plus, I can shop for baby clothes at millions of stores at the same time.  So much better than walking around a department store with a whining partner in tow.  So far, I've decided that I must have this diaper bag by Isoki.  It's only been about 5 minutes of shopping, though.  I'll get a bigger list soon.
• Slightly related, I'm loving BabyLi.st.  Making a huge baby wishlist, even if nobody is going to buy me what I want.  And I haven't even started yet.
• My baby is probably going to look something like this.  I'll probably cry, scream, faint, or beam with pride.  Not sure which.  Taking polls.
• My dog is eyeballing my honeydew melon.  What part if I don't share do you not understand, big furry ball of evil?!
• My air conditioner is broken.  It can be turned on by plugging it in, and turned off by unplugging it.  (Plugging it out would sound more match-y, but unfortunately is not a real phrase. Boo to that.)  The nifty dials to change what settings you want the air conditioner to be are broken and may or may not, after several revolutions:  turn off the air conditioner until you panic and turn the dial a million times to turn it back on, turn off the air conditioned part of the air conditioner and use it as a fan (stupidest. idea. ever.), or blow hot air.  Not sure how it blew hot air, but it blew hot air once, and I was miserable and hot and cranky.
• Because of above air conditioner, I'm freezing as I eat cold melon squares for breakfast.  Technically, they're more melon trapezoids.  Or something.  Geometry was never my strong suit.
• A couple weeks ago, my neighbors brought me a fossil rock with oysters in it from Ohio.  Apparently Ohio had oysters many, many, many years ago.  I'm still not sure how to cook this rock, so it's sitting on top of my fridge until I learn more gore-may cooking skills.
• Mushrooms are the most disgustingly yummy things in this universe.  The slimy makes me want to puke, but the flavor makes me glee.

I hope you're all having an awesome, internet-addicted day like I am.  No work!  Too many chores!  Excited/playful puppy!  Annoying cats!  No food in fridge that isn't already cooked! ... oh, God.  This day is getting worse the more I think about it.  I should have stopped at "no work."

P.S. I love you all.  Except for you.